Laura’s Journey. . .

Words, Ramblings, and Rumblings

June 27, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Howdy folks ;) it has been a long time since I have posted, but something has come up this week while I have been emailing back and forth with friends, that I decided I had to come out of semi-hibernation/retirement to post again.

  1. Wondering and Questioning my SanityI have been wondering how folks are doing, and been wondering if they are like me, doing pretty good, but still tired, still very forgetful, still taking tons of medications, and easily irritated…
  2. I have been wondering if my irritation is making me rumble more than usual and if my irritation is making me dissect words…

Before cancer, isn’t that funny, BEFORE CANCER, how that term has become a part of my life, sigh… Words like Pink, Warrior, Survivor, Thriver, weren’t even on my horizon, I didn’t even give them two seconds of thought, and now AFTER CANCER, they irritate me to no end…

I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that makes me so irritated with these words, and I think it is because they are not adequate to describe what a woman or man deals with when diagnosed with cancer.  I wrestled with these words for quite sometime, and I’m not able to pinpoint what irritates me so much about these words – maybe because they were not in my volcabulary BEFORE, now they are everywhere.  Maybe because I hate labels, and people slap labels on me at a drop of a hat once they find out I had cancer…

Pink has always irritated me, and I’ve written about it before but now I have found a website that succinctly describes why it was irritating me – it is because people are making money off of breast cancer, and that is just not right (http://www.fightpink.org/). 

I also think Pink makes breast cancer “cute” “oh look at that cute pink ribbon water bottle” “oh look at that cute pink warrior t-shirt” “oh look at that cute pink survivor ;) “  LOL  I absolutely cannot stand how when I wear a pink shirt or vest, people think I’m doing it because I had breast cancer, arggghhhhhhh!  I wear pink coz it is a cool color to wear!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that we have symbols so I’m not knocking pink ribbons mind you, I’m just knocking how this pinking of breast cancer seems to make it acceptable…blah.  Cancer should never be acceptable in any shape or form.  I think this “pinking” is making it acceptable to be another “statistic” in this long-battle with Breast Cancer…

As I try to transition from PATIENT to SURVIVOR, I also find I’m irritated with being called a “survivor,” noooo, I’m Laura, a mother, a friend, a coworker, a Tlingit Woman, who faced a disease that I wish no one had to face.  I faced a disease called CANCER, and it’s treatments KICKED MY BUTT, but I’m still Laura, a mother, a friend, a coworker, a Tlingit Woman.

I wish I had an answer, I wish I had words that would help me make peace with all of these words that have become associated with cancer, but I don’t, I’ve been pinked and survived to the point where I’m having problems trying to think outside the box… 

Breast Cancer sure has made me thoughtful… and a little more irritable… jiminy.

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Beyond Cancer · Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Recovery · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor

Onwards and Upwards

April 17, 2009 · 6 Comments

Dear Friends,

Thank you for all of your wonderful, wise words in the last year and a half; your words made me laugh, made me cry, made me realize we are not alone in our battles against cancer treatments, and that so much still has to be done for those who will survive active treatments…

I have been busy living with my new “normal” :) ways of doing things, a little slower, a little more forgetful, a little more thoughtful.  Cancer and chemotherapy has impacted me in ways that I was not expecting.  I’m more thoughtful for one thing, I’m more thoughtful about how I spend my time, I’m more thoughtful about what causes I throw my energy in, I’m more thoughtful about God, and I’m more thoughtful about me. 

Before the “Big C” I was busy having a good time, life was good!  I was active, I was looking pretty darn good, I was dating, I had a good job, I was learning to be a Native Leader, you know, I was having a good time!  Then I got cancer again and my whole world got turned upside down and emotional chaos was my best friend :(   I didn’t like myself, I was so unsure of myself, I was depressed and I didn’t want to do nothing.  And after living in this state for almost 2 years, it has become like a bad habit that I’m trying to break; welll, I’m almost there :)

When I started this blog, it was to share my story with those who will follow.  When I was diagnosed and facing chemo, radiation, herceptin and hormone therapy, I didn’t know what to expect.  Boy did I not know what to expect and it scared me a lot :( I just couldn’t see not sharing with those who will follow what it was like to go through cancer treatments and almost lose your marbles, to go through cancer treatments and lose so much of yourself, to go through cancer treatments and still come out of it intact…

Laura’s Journey has been a tribute to all people who live with cancer, my story has been their story, their story has been my story, and I have been so blessed with all the people I have encountered along the way.  Sharing my story has helped me through some of my darkest days and  has helped me laugh and cry my way through cancer and that was worth its weight in gold!

Now that I am on the road to recovery, I do not feel the need to write so often, and I’m coming to a close on this chapter in my life – this part of my journey is coming to an end.  I will still stop by every now and then, but I am busy again in college (which has its problems thanks to Chemo-Brain!); I’m rediscovering art and rewiring my brain with the book “The Artist Way” (which I strongly recommend), I am helping other people newly diagnosed as a career, and I am trying to regain my health!  I’m still tired a lot and by the end of the week I am so dragging my butt, by Wednesday I need a nap, by Thursday, I need two naps to make it through the day, and by Friday, I’m like “OK, I made it through another week.”  I know this will too pass, but it sure seems like it is taking forever.

I want to thank you all who have hung with me during this journey with all my heart, thank you just doesn’t seem adequate, you know what I mean?  I will keep this site up for a few more months, and maybe post once in awhile, but this part of my life is coming to a close, and it is time to move on.

People can still reach me by posting on here, and if they do not want their comments to be public, put write in your post:  “please do not make this public” and I won’t.  If you post a note here privately or publicly, I see your email address, but no one else does unless you check you want your email public.  Either way, if you want, I can privately email you.  I do hope you will still feel free to post on the previous pages since this story is all of our story, we all share this journey ;) and I’ll still answer your posts while this site is up.

A Single Rose for my FriendsThank you my friends, I wish you strength, wellness and peace, as we now move into our “new normal” way of doing things; I have been honored and blessed by your words.

One foot in front of the other, always,

Laura

→ 6 CommentsCategories: Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Life is Good in Slow Gear ;)

April 3, 2009 · 4 Comments

You know for the most part I’ve been pretty satisfied with my life these last few weeks, I don’t get as frustrated as I use to even just a month ago, I still have a few moments, but I think I am finally getting well.  It is about friggin’ time, it has only been since October 2007, when I started my active treatments, October 2007 to October 2008.  I was diagnosed July 2007, and I remember when I was diagnosed; I didn’t know what to do, and my days just flew because I was so stressed out and worried so much I swear the days went by without me even participating.  Then of course while in active treatments, I barely participated in the days…

Now 1.5 years later, I’m just like ok, the frustration is about gone, an occasional tear still gets away, and I’m still tired.  I participate now in spurts and by Thursday, I’m forcing myself to stay awake and fall asleep in my chair by late afternoon, then fall asleep right before dinner, then fall asleep again right in the middle of my homework.  It isn’t bad, really it isn’t, I’m just tired, but it is a good tired because I’m not angry no more about being so tired.  I’m finally learning that I have to take off my super woman cape, and just be tired, I deserve it after all I’ve been through in the last year and half, yup, I’m just going to have to accept that I only have one gear right now, and that is slow.  I am definitely built for comfort right now and not speed ;) LOL

Ahhhhh

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Hair Today

March 28, 2009 · 6 Comments

I don’t know where the time has gone!  I’ve been so ding dong busy and stuff I haven’t even been on here for a week!   One week ago, I got my FIRST haircut since November 2007!  Which I wrote about then, and now I’m writing about it 1 year and 4 months later!  This time the hair cut was a joyous experience instead of such a sad one!  I had to get a haircut because I was finally was all moppey headed and had bangs down to my nose, but I didn’t want to get my hair cut, I was having so much fun having long, curly hair!

me_march21_med

I also learned how to make this great beaded bracelet from my friend Jen, yes indeed last Saturday was a wonderful, wonderful day! :D

It’s so great to have hair again!  It seems with this haircut some of the curl has left :( which makes me sad, I liked have curly hair, but I figured as I healed my natural hair would come back too, which is A-OK, it is just nice to have hair WOO-WOO!!!!

→ 6 CommentsCategories: Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Fear and Relief

March 20, 2009 · 6 Comments

cracked_glass

I’ve been walking around today calm on the outside but scared on the inside.  A few times I felt like I was a glass ready to crack, I was trying not to let the fear get the better of me…

I woke up this morning and my left arm and what’s left of my left breast was achy, and was tender, and then I looked in the mirror… Half my breast was red and swollen, warm and tender to touch. Of course I instantly felt my heart starting to race, and I kept telling myself it was nothing, it was nothing, and not to worry for my breast cancer was killed, it wasn’t cancer… I called oncology and they said they could get me in at 2:30 pm today. Ok, ok, I told myself, I can do this…

I then went to my women’s group and listened to everyone and I practiced deep breathing, and looking at all those survivors made me just rock solid even though I was scared. I was not going to get hysterical, I was not going to let this fear win. I didn’t tell my group or anyone all day outside of the oncology nurses that I was trying my best not to tweak out. 

By 2:30, I was so ready to talk to someone, it was so hard walking around like nothing was bothering me.  It turns out I have an infection, breast cellutitis, can you believe it? I never even heard about it until today (see breast cellultis), can you just friggin’ believe it?  It happens sometimes when you have had breast cancer, can you just friggin’ believe it?   I am now on antibiotics for the next 10 days, and then I will go in for a MRI of both of my breasts to see what’s going on, and to make sure the infection is gone. Can you just friggin’ believe it?

Walking around today sick to my stomach left me shaky. I cannot be scared of the what ifs, I just can’t… I just can’t or the cancer would win, and I just can’t let that happen… I just wanted to cry with relief…

Jiminy crickets, what a rough way to spend half the day :( and as soon as I found out I was “ok”, I got on with my day, and was gentle with myself for the rest of the day, whew…

Its one foot in front of the other, jiminy.

→ 6 CommentsCategories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Surviving Cancer Treatments · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Power of the Pen

March 15, 2009 · 4 Comments

:) A part of me went into semi-hibernation during my treatments, and that was my creative self, part of it was because of the neuropathy caused by the chemo, it made my fingertips stop listening to me and I couldn’t carve or bead.  I pretty much thought that was the end of my creative spirit for I also stopped drawing, doodling, coloring, taking pictures, you get it, I was drying up :D

To help me heal, which includes my creative spirit, I’ve started reading Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way.  There is a technique in there called the morning pages, it is where you write 3 pages in longhand (I like handwriting), first thing in the morning, which is suppose to help you overcome the obstacles that stop you from becoming your most creative self.  It doesn’t take much time. You’re not even supposed to think, you just write whatever, and if you can’t think of anything to write, just write I cannot think of nothing to write for 3 pages :)   (see http://www.theartistsway.com/tools/the-basic-tools).

pen_paperI started this morning because I don’t know about you Girlfriends (and occasional guy friends who stop by), as soon as I open my eyes I start making a to do list of everything that has to get done today, which leads me down a rabbit hole.  Anyhoos, instead of having it in my head, I now dump it out on paper and forget about it.  It is kind of fun and I’m going to do it for the next 30 days, see if it’ll help me focus and make my brain shut-up about cancer and treatments!  Time to think about creating instead :D

Anyone game to try with me?  Gina? :)   We don’t have to tell each other what we wrote, let’s just compare notes at the end of 30 days and see if it helped jumpstart our creative selves again :)   see if our creative selves was able to rise from the ashes of cancer treatments :D

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Surviving Cancer Treatments · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Oh Happy Day

March 11, 2009 · 2 Comments

celebrateToday I went in to get Zometa, blah, BUT, there was a mistake!  Woo-Woo!  I showed up to my oncologist’s office and was kind of on the edge because I didn’t want to do Zometa, and after being there for about an hour and a half (they were very busy and then I also had a doctor visit for about a half of it), it was discovered that I was not suppose to do Zometa today! WOO-WOO!  It was like a snow day, a holiday, a surprise birthday party all rolled up in one and I boogied my butt right out of there!  WOO-WOO!

I don’t have to do Zometa for one more month, and that IS WAY A-OK WITH ME!

Happy Dance, Happy Dance :D

→ 2 CommentsCategories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
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What to Do

March 8, 2009 · 13 Comments

zometaWhat to do, what to do…  I am tired of dealing with cancer treatments.  This week is Zometa week :( on Wednesday I go in for my second treatment.  I understand that after the first treatment it does get easier.  I heard this from another survivor and she also said her bone density is 25% better than when she started Zometa.   Zometa is suppose to be good at helping you not lose bone density while taking Arimidex.   I will have to see what happens this Wednesday after Zometa, if it is not as bad as the first time, I may just stick it out for this year. 

The thing is, I’ve been wondering, and will ask my oncologist, if there is no evidence of disease, why should I continue with Armidex and Zometa?  I understand that it may keep the cancer from coming back, but what are the chances of it coming back if don’t continue versus if I continue?  I’m tired of drugs, and taking drugs to deal with the drugs, I’m tired of feeling yucky, and I am tired of dealing with cancer treatments, there is no two ways about it.  I am about fed up.  I’ve been dealing with cancer since June of 2007 – Jiminy, I’m tired of it.

arimidexQuality of life versus Zometa/Arimidex, what to do what to do…

You can read about why Zometa is helpful for those with breast cancer here:  http://www.rxlist.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=90186

Benefits of Arimidex: http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/aromatase_inhibitors/arimidex.jsp

p.s. I was not post-menopausal, I was chemo-induced menopause, but we went with Arimidex because the first time I had breast cancer, I used tomoxifen, and it made me crazy.  Arimidex seems to make me not sleep very well and makes my joints hurt a little, but I do not have hot flashes :D thank goodness for something good out of this mess! ;)

→ 13 CommentsCategories: Beyond Cancer · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Need I Say More?

March 5, 2009 · 2 Comments

yoyo_small

 As it continues, one minute I’m up, next minute I’m down.

One minute I’m full of piss and vinegar, next minute I’m down.

One minute I’m peaceful, next minute I’m frustratedly down.

One minute I’m happy, and the next minute I’m down…

What can I say?  This journey goes on and on and on… jiminy crickets.

Let’s hope my string don’t snap! ;)

→ 2 CommentsCategories: Recovery · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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Weighing In

March 2, 2009 · 1 Comment

Did you know that folks more often then not, put on weight during cancer treatments, sometimes up to as much as 30#’s.  Well, for me, throw stress and stress eating into the picture and it was more like 64#s!  I have always been sensitive to medicines, I could look at a birth control pill and put on 10#’s, honest!   So you can just imagine what putting steroids and all that other #$!^ crap in my body did to me!  Shoot I wasn’t just an Uncle Fester look-a-like, I was Uncle Fester! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Vegi-HeartWelllll, I want to regain my health again, so 3 weeks ago I joined WW online – I cannot do face-to-face meetings, it is funny how this last year and a half of cancer treatments made me not want to be around groups, especially groups of people who may not understand what the true definition of hell is… anyhoos, I like the online system, it has all these cool techy toys and I love techy toys ;)

I keep digressing this morning :D I have been doing WW online for 3 weeks and have lost 13 pounds, and I am happy with this slow pace! :D WOO-WOO!  Do you know how great it is to start feeling like I’m in charge of  my body again?!?!  I’m simply escstatic :D :D

How am I doing this?  By just focusing on one day at a time, today I will focus on eating well because I want to be well :) Hugs and more hugs!

→ 1 CommentCategories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Recovery · Surviving Cancer Treatments · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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A New Day

February 27, 2009 · 2 Comments

Tun Sun Comes out Today by Laura RevelsWhile we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die- whether it is our spirit, our creativity, or our glorious uniqueness” ~ Gilda Radner

It is a new day friends ;) it seems like this emotional roller coaster will continue as I transition into survivorship… anybody have a map? :D

I have to admit, being tired really messes with my head and attitude, but last night I slept HARD and that was fantastic!  I only woke up once, and then was able to fall back to sleep immediately, here’s to more restful nights of sleep and many more of a new day!  Woo-Woo!

p.s. I sure hope by time I’m done with this ding dong journey that my marbles are still in tact! :D

→ 2 CommentsCategories: Beyond Cancer · Recovery · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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I need a Vacation

February 25, 2009 · 4 Comments

Sunset by Laura Revels

Here I am again reflecting on the ways of the world ;) at least my little world right now. 

A few months ago I felt on “fire to inspire”, felt clear as to where I was going and what I am going to do.  I was happy with my life for the most part.  I knew I was going to tell anyone who would listen about how cancer treatments are *ell  so that people could have some knowledge and some understanding what it is like.  I believe the more we know what to expect, the better prepared we can be (but can we ever be prepared for cancer and it’s treatments?).  I also wanted my fellow peeps here in AK to talk about cancer so that we can stop losing so many folks to cancer…  Alaska Natives do not have the highest rates of cancer but it is the number one killer of us, and that just is not right.  But we all know, cancer just ain’t right nor is it fair.

I think because I’m just too tired, that I just don’t have the “spark” in me burning very bright right now to help change things in the cancer world right now, let alone my world… I know this too will soon past, but ding dong, this transitioning back to my normal world sure is a slow process and it is causing me to get discouraged…  Throw chemobrain into the mix and I just lack focus… literally.  I hate floundering like this, it makes me want to scream or just quit and let myself be tossed around to the winds…

I need a vacation.

→ 4 CommentsCategories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
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