Laura’s Journey. . .

Ding dong, I am so tired.  This has been the longest week ever!  I keep thinking that I should be bouncing back any day know and be my spunky ol’ self.  I know it takes awhile to bounce back, but my heart isn’t listening to my head, and I want to be me nowwwwww.

I can make it to work just fine, but that is about it, it is kind of a drag.  I know I should embrace the fact that my body (due to all those dang drugs!) is making me slow down, but you know what?  I’d rather slow down my way and when I want to!

Herceptin this time isn’t bothering my muscles so bad this time around, and I’m so glad.  The last Herceptin treatment hurt my muscles and made it hard to get around.  Did you know that Herceptin can also cause fatigue?  (See side effects at Herceptin.com.)  Dang, as if I needed any help in that department!

Yesterday was my son’s graduation, so I went to work, his graduation, and took him and his friends to dinner.  Afterwards I thought I’d stop and get a book by one of my favorite authors (Harold Kushner, highly recommend!  Especially his book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”.); I sat down in a soft chair at the bookstore to read a little bit from two of his books to help decide which one to get.  Any whos, I fell asleep!  Ding, Dong!  I only fell asleep for about 20 minutes but I was so dang embarassed when I woke up, I hope I wasn’t snoring!

Jiminy, cancer is an exercise in patience… and going the extra mile!

It has been one thing to read all these cancer materials and another to experience it first hand.  I did not read all the materials on the side effects, or the statistics on survival rates because I did not want anything to affect how I was going to feel or think.  Plus it was a lot of materials and I was too stressed to read everything about something I wish I didn’t have

So as I would “feel” something, I would ask questions and research as I went along, I figured by not knowing everything beforehand, I would not set myself up for failure by thinking “negative” thoughts that were caused by some of the things I would of read about, especially some of those statistics, they made me sad, and sometimes scared.

I also didn’t read all the medical information because I was more interested in people’s stories instead of the clinical information, I always want to know the feelings, the person’s story, more than I wanted to know about the treatments and the clinical explanation about what is going to happen.  We all know chemotherapy and radiation is not a walk in the park, but what is that walk like?

To me, the story is more important, I want to know the feelings, know the real story, and that is what helps me adapt, persevere and overcome.  So although I hated having to deal with cancer and its treatments, the people I’ve been meeting and the stories I have been hearing have been just amazing!

Chemotherapy gave me a good kick in the butt and I did not like not being able to do what I wanted when I wanted, but I am use to flying by the seat of my pants and that is exactly what I did on this journey.  And that is A-OK, for we all have to do what we can when dancing with cancer.

We need to conquer this disease before it conquers us.  I know I will speak out, I will be a voice and I will do it with heart; sometimes I may get shaky, but I will continue to be a voice for cancer care and for cancer survivorship issues, and I will continue to look and listen for the story. 

“I have not finished reading [your story], I am so touched, this is what I am thinking of you.”

Silent Night

In the dark of night
there was this light
the night was black
the sound was silent
but the radiant light
out did the night
It moved quietly
on its purposed course

By Char G.

————————————-

It always seems like the darkest before the dawn don’t it?  The above poem by friend Char, she made me cry, I was so touched by her words. 

My instructor whose class I was failing has been kind to work with me, and my college is going to allow me to finish the class this summer instead of failing. 

These gestures overwhelm my heart, I do not know how else to explain it, I am so touched by the goodness, the willingness to help, and kindness of my friends, my instructors, and the people I have met on this journey.  There just isn’t any words to say how I feel.

Thank you to all of you for keeping the light in me alive, and for renewing my strength. 

It is another day, and the journey continues…

Everyone is affected by chemotherapy and radiation differently, this goes without saying, but I’m saying it again.  Why?  Because one of the things I truly wish I KNEW and UNDERSTOOD was how these treatments were going to affect MY MENTAL ABILITIES.

I thought I could keep up with full-time work and 3 classes, NOT!  Once again, I had to withdraw from 1 class a month ago, failed another class today, and have been keeping my head afloat in the other.

I knew at some level that I was having problems with thinking, but I kept thinking I could pull my way through this, I can do it, I ALWAYS do!  Little did I know, that my “super powers” couldn’t save me now, I needed to admit I couldn’t keep up, I needed to realize that the exhaustion and not being able to focus was something I had NO CONTROL over, and trying to do my classes like nothing was wrong, was WRONG for me to do.

I needed to accept that I HAD LIMITS and there was something wrong with my thinking, my ability to focus, and that it was ok to slow down.  It was OK to SAY I CAN’T DO IT…

I needed to make peace with these limits, ACCEPT THAT I HAD LIMITS BECAUSE OF CANCER, INSTEAD OF TRYING TO ACT LIKE I WAS STILL THE SAME, and push myself until I failed… 

Lesson learned, and a hard one at that!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of us “Super Moms” may this year be one of strength and wellness. 

Cancer Struck Fear to My Heart
What about My Children
No this cannot be Happening

What sent me into fear
Also brought me back

My Children
Your belief in me,
Your love for me,

You strengthened my Hope
You made me Conquer this Fear

It is you, who made me a “Super Mom”

*Snicker, snicker*

To deal with cancer, and keep your marbles intact, you kind of have to “Smile and go Right into Denial” at times. It is a self-defense mechanism when you are having to deal with cancer day after day after day… at least I know I have to.  It also helps me not think about the unthinkable…

I’ll tell you what, I wish I could disappear behind my smile, but cancer seems to make your smiles sad… and you really can’t hide from it either

As I continue down this road of madness, I still have my marbles intact… at least most of them are, there might be a loose one rollin’ around

p.s. I posted the end of my radiation treatments on my Radiation Page, I had my last zap today and guess what?  I’m not glowing in the dark ;)  I am now done with “Phase II…”

I’m pretending I’m at the beach, smelling the ocean air, feeling the ocean mist upon my face, listening to the waves… *sigh*

I love the beach, I love being outside, and it breaks my heart thinking about the days when I was so healthy and vibrant…  When I felt ALIVE… yeah, yeah, I know, I will be there again one day but that doesn’t help me right now.  I have been dealing with my cancer since last July, 10 months now and I still have 5 more months to go.  Cancer treatments is an exercise in endurance…

I feel like a truck ran me over; I am not well and part of it has to do with me being so tired, it makes me looney and weepy.  I don’t want to be this way, but I am having problems shaking off this lethargy, must be the radiation treatments catching up with me.  I’m glad tomorrow is my last treatment.  I will miss D & S, but I’m not going to miss the radation, nothing like having a reminder in your face every day reminding you that you have cancer.

I’m going to do one good thing for myself each day, today it was rest and clean my back porch so that I can sit out there and enjoy the sun on my face and head.  I will do one good thing each day to help me feel like I am taking steps towards being well.  I will work kindly towards being well…

I can’t believe it!!

I have been researching chemo brain for my class and I came across this in the Clinical Journal of Oncology Nursing (Vol. 9, No. 6):

“ADHD share many similarities with chemo brain.”   “… include frequent failure to pay close attention to details; repeated careless mistakes; difficulty sustaining attention and listening; failure to follow through on instructions; failure to complete school work, chores, or duties; problems organizing tasks; distractibility; and forgetfulness.”

This all makes perfect sense to a problem that makes no sense!

Ding Dong!  Now I know what specifically has been wrong with me since I started chemo!!  Now I understand that it is not ALL stress that is making me so spacy.  I wish somone had told me in the beginning that this could happen, and what exactly chemo brain is!  If I knew, I probably wouldn’t have stayed in classes and be struggling with writing a paper on chemo brain right now or wondering why in the heck am I all over the place!

I knew for some time that chemo-brain is a side effect (from reading online), but the knowledge I had at the time, said it was mostly forgetfulness, or feeling like you are walking around in a fog.  Well you knowwwww, with this new information I just found out, it is more than a fog!  And what a relief to find out why I have been acting goofier than I “normally” am and why I can’t seem to focus on my school work or why my house looks like a bunch a kids have been running wild LOL!

Ding Dong!  As the tragic comedy continues…

p.s. chemo brain does go away the farther you are out from your last chemo treatment, so there is hope!  You just have to fasten your seat belts and hang on! LOL

p.s.s. if you only knew how many times I have to edit these posts to make sense! LOL even harder!

*Snicker, snicker*

If I only had a brain

One of the things I’ve been joking around about since I have started cancer treatments, was how it seemed like I was half senile and how I was walking around in a fog.  You know, ’chemo-brain’ - it is a side effect of chemotherapy.  Well you know, when you are trying to go to school and get a degree, this ‘chemo-brain’ can be a pain in the who-who!

As I stated before, I am doing a research paper on chemo-brain for class, I am thinking it is so ironic, it about cracks me up to no end, it is sort of like I am my own research project LOL  I told my sister that I when I present my paper, I was just going to stand there in front of the class, roll my head, and look like no one is home HAHAHAHA  Jiminy her and I lost in class!  She kept telling me to knock it off, I was acting so goofy, can I help it if it is so hard to focus right now?

I was also discussing my paper with one of my doctors the other day, and I was telling him “I’m doing my paper on chemo-brain, but I’m having such a hard time trying to focus.”  Dang, he busted a gut, he thought that was so funny which got me to cracking up.  Then he asked me if I thought it was real, which took me by surprise.  It was a good discussion we had, it helped me realize that I needed to focus on showing that chemo-brain is a side effect of chemotherapy… now if I can just focus grasshopper…

Now if I only had a brain, I would of picked something easier!

p.s.  I only have 4 more radiations to go!!! YA-HOO!!!!!!!!

So much going on within me, so much thinking.

Once I heard this quote a long time ago:  “What I may be one moment, I may not be the next…” I can’t remember the rest of it, but it about sums up what is going on with me this week.  One moment I am like leaping buildings in single bound, the next I feel like I ran into that building LOL 

Jiminy, cancer sure has a way of making you think hard, and it also has a strange way of putting things into perspective or should I say warped perspective?  

As if I didn’t have enough swirling around inside of me, I also have to have leaky eyes this week… especially when people are nice, show concern, and ask if there is anything they can do to help me, that is what my Research Writing Instructor did tonight, and it took everything I had not to out and out blubber, instead I got leaky eyes…  I do fine until someone is nice to me, then I get leaky eyes, what’s up with that? *sigh*