“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God’s handwriting – a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every face, in every sky, in every flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
At this time one year ago I just finished Herceptin treatments and had my mediport taken out; two years ago I was sitting in a chemo chair and this year I’m healing from reconstruction surgery. Thanksgiving these last few years for me has been a time of transformation, of incredible pain, intense emotions, and a time of reflection.
To say that I’m grateful just doesn’t seem to say enough of what I feel in my heart…
Categories: Beyond Cancer
I am so friggin’ happy because tomorrow I go in for my breast reduction surgery (you can find more information about it at plasticsurgery.org). To me this signals the end of this part of the journey! The end of cancer treatments (as much as it can be over) and I’m so happy that I will be able to get rid of that gross ol’ prosthesis! And that I’ll FINALLY be able to find a bra that fits, and that I’ll FINALLY BE ABLE TO WEAR SHIRTS WITHOUT VESTS AND SCARVES!!!
You don’t know how messed up being so out of proportion has messed with my head. I’ve had 2 lumpectomies and radiation on my left breast and it is so small, and then my right side is still a size d – it has been anguishing and frustrating for me. I always felt “freakish” I know, I know, but I did, I felt self-conscious and not very confident.
So I am happy that I am finally going to be one size, I am so happy that I am coming to the end of this part of my journey 
Categories: Beyond Cancer · Recovery
Tagged: Beyond Cancer, reconstruction
Fear of the what ifs and I didn’t even know I was scared.
I didn’t realize how affected I was going to be by this morning’s mammogram. It was my 3-month check-up for my left-side (where the cancer car-wrecked my life) and my annual for my right side.
I was doing fine, I went into my “let’s get this over with” mode and did not think about it. The mammogram was done, and then I had to wait for the tech to come back from talking with the radiologist about my mammogram. She was gone only 15 minutes, but it seemed like forever and my mind started to race, my heart started to beat really hard… Then she came back and said “congratulations, you’re good to go!” I smiled, we made small talk, I dressed and left.
Out in the hall, I leaned up against the wall and called my daughter. I was so shaky and wanted to cry. I told her that I was so relieved and that I just came from my 3-month follow-up and I didn’t realize how it was going to affect me until just now, and I needed to talk to her for I was so shaky.
My daughter was so wonderful, she said she loved me and she was glad I called her and that I got my mammogram. She helped me stop shaking from the “what ifs.”
Whew. Mammograms sure make my heart ache… what a process this dance with cancer is.
I then met with my surgeon this afternoon; at our hospital the surgeons follow-up with cancer patients once they are done with chemotherapy, I don’t mind because my surgeon is a rock star. I shared with her how I tweaked out this morning after my mammogram, and about my friend’s recurrence that metastasized. She just sat there and listened to me.
She said my feelings were perfectly natural after all I’ve been through, and she said the next time if I needed a relaxer or something before the mammogram, just let her know so that we can make it easier on me and she was happy that I still went ahead and did the mammogram, then she gave me a hug. See a rock star I tell ya!
Jiminy, what a day, and I guess I’m not completely over the “what-ifs” 
Categories: Beyond Cancer · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor · aftermath
Tagged: fear of re-occurence, mammograms
This whole cancer ordeal just seems to go on and on doesn’t it? I was mistaken that once I finished treatments that it’d be all over, cause it ain’t.
I’m better about it now, but I remember earlier this year, I worried every time I went in for my 3-month mammogram check – I remember telling myself I’m not going to be scared of the “what ifs”. All fine and dandy, I got past the fear of recurrence as much as I can; as much as any of us who have had cancer can I reckon. You just say the *ell with it, and go on, at least I did.
Well one of my buddies is dealing with a recurrence that has metastasized and I’ll tell you what, I went into such a heart sickness for her, it still makes my heart ache if I think about it too long… I’m going to try to help her out as much as I can and I will keep myself well and balanced at the same time for I ain’t going to be no good if I boo-hoo every time I see her
Cancer is pissing me off.
As for myself, I finally get to have surgery and get “balanced” in about 2 weeks and then I can put that ding dong prosthesis to rest. I can’t burn it because I’m sure that would be bad for the environment, all that rubber, blah. I don’t know if I can even bury it because I don’t know if it’ll ever decompose, but I think that’s what I’m going to do. Bury it in my yard. Then I’m going to cry. Then I am going to go on and on…
Laura
Categories: Beyond Cancer · Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
Tagged: Cancer Treatment Aftermath, emotive, prosthesis, reconstruction, reoccurrence
I’m now one year of no evidence of disease (which by the way Halleluiah!) and I’m getting ready to get “balanced” out, literally. I go in for one more surgery in a few weeks to regain symmetry, which by the way, YAHOO! It absolutely sucked being a size b and a size d, and I am about sick and tired of my prosthesis. I just want to buy bras that fit and not have to wear scarves, vests or baggy shirts all the time to cover up my very pronounced lopsidedness. I just want to go back to somewhat being normal… in more ways than one.
Which brings me to, what now?
I’m happy to be coming to the end of this long pain in the *ss haul and some days I’m like OK, it is what it is; then other days I just want to scream on the top of my lungs! Jiminy! I just don’t know some days.
I’m now a cancer advocate and cancer education trainer; I’m driven to help survivors share their story and regain their voice, and some days cancer just makes no sense to me at all, what a rotten, mean disease it is. I just hate seeing people go through the pain of cancer – I once heard it referred to as a soul wounding… and I think I’ll have to agree with that, because once you come out the other side you wonder what that was all about, who you are, what you are… and you try to stay away from the question why, because it provides no answers at all.
However, the one thing I am certain of and am so continually amazed by, is the beauty and strength of survivors…
Sometimes you come out on the other side just full of questions and not enough answers…
Categories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Recovery · Surviving Cancer Treatments · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
Tagged: confusion, end of cancer treatments, transitioning to survivor from patient
Today I am so mad, so angry about cancer! I’m mad mad mad!
One of my dear friends is looking at metastasis breast cancer that has traveled from the original area! And I’m so mad!!! I want cancer to end now! I don’t want people to suffer from this pain in the *ss disease! Get involved! Share your Story! Spread the Word! End Cancer Now!
Categories: aftermath
Tagged: anger at cancer
September 13, 2009 · 2 Comments
Here I am, almost a year out from treatments and I was reading some of the comments left, some of the stuff I wrote, and it almost seems like another lifetime…
One year later and I’m still trying to regain my health, which is so much better than last year at this time, but I still have some issues… fatigue being the biggest pain in the who-who and the unexpected tears that come out of the blue sometimes…
Sometimes I wonder if it is because I spent almost a 1.5 yrs. trying to fight this disease and going through treatments, that sometimes I wonder if I’m pre-conditioned to being sad
I’m not sad all the time but it seems when I do get sad, it is so profound, not like “before”; I’m sure it is the last remnants of grief that all of us who have had cancer have to deal with – grieving over loss of health, loss of lifestyle, blah blah blah. Sometimes I still get emotional when I talk about chemotherapy and I’ve been told by other survivors that the further out I get this too will pass – that all of this junk that I live with right now will pass.
Sometimes reflecting is sad, but for me right now, it is a BIG SIGHHHH…
Categories: Beyond Cancer · Recovery · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
Tagged: grief, moving on from cancer, reflecting on treatments, relief, sad
I’m 11 months out from my last Herceptin treatment, 11 months out and joyously counting 
September 28th, I’ll be able to say one year out from treatments and in October I’ll be celebrating one year of dancing with NED (no evidence of disease!)
Time sure flies when you’re having fun don’t it? LOL
The struggle to be well continues, but I am so much stronger than I was a year ago at this time, that’s a big 10-4! I also hardly take naps any longer, which is kinda a relief, all those naps were making it hard to get anything done. I still get tired easily, but I just keep on keepin’ on, sometimes I cry because I’m so tired and run down, but what the hey, it comes with the territory.
Chemo-brain is still an irritant, but not as bad as a few months ago; school is still a challenge, and multi-tasking is still a problem, but that’s ok, I’ve learned to just do one thing at a time, and you know what? It’s not so bad I get things done, and that’s what counts.
It has been a hellueva ride my friends, one I wish not to take again…
Categories: Beyond Cancer · Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
When I was recruited for this journey I didn’t realize I was signing on for such a long journey… I’m now 10 months out from my last Herceptin treatment, a month out from my last Zometa treatment and I’m still friggin’ tired
I’m able to function don’t get me wrong, I go to work and only fall asleep once in a while on my desk 
and I’m now up to walking 5x a week, so what gives? When is this ding dong fatigue ever going to go away? When?!
I’ve been so tired for so long it is starting to mess with my head, and the tears just keep on coming when I’m tired… I am so tired of dealing with this and tired of being tired; if it wasn’t for my friends, I’d think I was depressed, gads, that’s all I don’t need, but I can’t help but think about it because who in their right mind would cry when someone is being nice to you? Me, that’s who. I’m so friggin’ tired.
In this last week, it has hit me like a ton of bricks about how much I’ve been through, how much I’ve lost, and it just makes my heart so sad add being tired to the mix, and jiminy, what a mess!
One foot forward, one foot forward.
Categories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Surviving Cancer Treatments · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
Tagged: fatigue, grief, sad, zometa
Some days I swear are harder than others and today was one of those days… sometimes it hits me real hard of all the stuff that has happened in the last 2 years, jiminy… Surviving cancer treatments definitely isn’t for sissies.
Categories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Transitioning from Patient to Survivor
“Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God’s handwriting – a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every face, in every sky, in every flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hmmm, it seems like when you sign on this journey (in response to myself below 
