Entries from May 2008
Dear Customer Service,
I am interested in buying your round foam shell, but I do not understand your size chart, it does not match the drop-down sizes you have listed. I am normally a 42c, so what size do I order from your drop-down menu? Thank you.
Ding dong! Whoever thought I’d ever have to write such a goofy email? Not I said I! I’m so lopsided from having two lumpectomies and it is driving me to distraction! It is so hard to wear a bra while being so lopsided; my bra keeps sliding up around my ear LOL
It is an irritant to constantly pull my bra down throughout the day and it rubs under my arm since it is sliding so much. It is all I can do not to rip the dang thing off while I’m out running around! Now wouldn’t that make a pretty picture? A short-haired crazy looking woman ripping her bra off in the middle of the grocery store! Can we talk shades of burning our bra days? HAHAHAHAHA
Seriously though, it is irritating me to no end and it is so dang uncomfortable. I asked my surgeon today if I could please be evened out like NOW… she is referring me to the plastic surgeons but she let me know that they usually like to wait until you’re completely done with chemotherapy 
and I’m not done with Herceptin until the end of November…. WHAAAAAAAAA
Hence, here goes the letter to tlc catalog trying to get my size… BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
I had some rubbery prothesis from ACS which just creeped me out after awhile, and the other day I threw them somewhere in disgust, now I can’t find them, jiminy crickets! Who knows where they bounced off to!
Cancer is an exercise in patience with the absurb, weird and wacky!
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: breast cancer, lopsided breast, lumpectomy, prothesis
Have you ever been on a walk, it is a beautiful day, the air smells great, and you hear the wind talking through the trees? Then you come to a dark patch that seems like it is never going to end, then you turn the corner and you can see the light?
*Sigh* that is what it feels like after you are done with chemo and radiation treatments, you finally feel like you’re coming around the bend, but it looks like you still have a little more ways to go before coming back out into the sun…
I truly wanted to believe I’d bounce back once I stopped radiation… You know, I just thought what the hey? I’m done, and I’m ready to get on with my life now.
I just cannot believe how tired I am still; the fatigue is just something you have no control over and it is maddening. At first I was like ok, it’ll be nice to take a break and take life easy, and it has been nice don’t get me wrong, but I’m ready to get a little pep in my step now.
Cancer is an exercise in chronic disease management, it just goes on and on and on. I can see the light my friends, and I wish I was in it… I know, I know, soon…
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments · radiation
Tagged: cancer, coping, fatigue, radiation, side effects
“Your life is a sacred journey. You are on the path… exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love.” ~ Caroline Adams
The most insane thing about cancer treatment, is the loss of control over your health and your mental and emotional well-being. You wonder how in the *ell did I end up like this?
There are some side effects that I truly do not have control over, but whether I let it beat me to the ground or not, I do have control over. I can believe woe is me, or I can accept what has happened, and then let go. I can believe that I am right where I need to be for right now, and move on… which is easier said then done at times, especially when I’m not feeling well. I have to admit folks, that this fatigue is causing me to feel like giving up and becoming a full time couch ‘tater…
All I know as of today, is that I need to let go of what was, and look forward to what will be. If I don’t, I’m going to drive myself nuts thinking about how healthy and vibrant I was a year ago to how I am right now… Jiminy Crickets! Cancer is an Exercise in Digging Deep Within Yourself and Going the Extra Mile!
Here’s to a new today! Here’s to my health! Here’s to keeping my marbles intact! 
p.s. this focus on wellness is not easy when I feel so crummy I’ve had a cold all week and can we talk about fatigue? I cannot believe a person can be this tired and not be in a coma!
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: hope, overcoming cancer, perseverance, strength
When will it ever end? Can we talk tired? Again?!
Here it is a 3-day weekend and yesterday, I just went a little grocery shopping and to the mall with my son and his girlfriend. By 5 pm, I was wiped out! I came home and all I could do is just lay there, doze, space out and lay there… ding dong! When will this fatigue ever end?
I am trying to make peace with this fatigue, by doing no-brainer stuff when I’m tired, like reading, but have you ever been so tired all you can do is lay there like a tater tot?
It is kind of frustrating to say the least, I have so many things I want to do NOW and being this tired all the time is wearing me out…
Starting today, I am going to try this one way of eating that will help detox me; I’m hoping by cleaning myself out, along with the vitamins, I can start regaining my energy… All I know is that I am so tired of being tired, and I am willing to try natural ways to regain my energy and my health.
I added new page called “Recovery H”; it’ll be what I am doing to become well, while still doing Herceptin, to regain my health and energy.
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: eating, fatigue, health, overcoming cancer treatments, wellness
I come from a life of hard knocks, but I always bounced back stronger and stronger from each trauma. I was told I had the “R-factor”, Resilience.
I am always asked what is it I do to always bounce back, why did I never give up? I never thought of it as the “R-Factor” as much as I never gave up Hope…
No more has this been true since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer. I never gave up Hope, but it was also because of the “M-factor”. Mom, momma, ma’mah, that kept me going this time around.
My son was the one who had to watch his momma go through *ell this winter, and it tore me apart… it hurt me to see him in so much pain… Jiminy, it was rough… When he graduated this month, it was tears of joy and relief that I was here to celebrate it with him and see him become a fine young man, holy moly, can we talk about so much emotion?
Well you know what? Cancer has been rough, but my “M-factor” has given my kids the “R-factor”…
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: hope, overcoming cancer, resilience, son, strength
On top of ol smokeeeeee,
All covvvvverrred innnnn
HAIR
These hairs are hard-won my friends! Jiminy, I thought they would never get here!
Woo-Woo!
My hair is a little over a 1/2″ now, and most of my scalp is covered very well. For the last 3 days I have been saying I’m not going to wear a wig any more, then I get ready to go out the door and end up turning back around and get my wig. Jiminy! I’m about driving myself nuts! Then I think about how hot I get at work and how nice it’d be to be au’ naturelle, but my confidence is not high enough to bring myself to go topless… but it is finally getting warm up here so I think I am going to say damm the torpedoes! and make it out the door topless!
I took the plunge! I went to work and was trying to act all calm and cool, as I drove to work I didn’t look at anyone, it is almost like running around naked and hoping no one is looking at you! HAHAHAHAHA I feel so lightheaded!
I feel as odd as a cod ;) I think when I go to the grocery store or out to the general public, I’m going to have to wear something on my head, that is what I think I will do but I don’t! I went to the dog park and walked my dog, then I went to the grocery store, I just kept my head up and smiled. It was so hard not to be so self-conscious!
At work most folks are alright with my peach fuzz after they get over their initial shock of my short-short hair. One person said it looked like I just got a haircut, ding dong if I voluntarily did this, I think I’d need to be checked into the rubber room ’cause I would of went off my rocker!
I just keep telling myself to breathe, breathe…
I didn’t want to go without a wig, I didn’t even wear scarves cause I thought it was too in your face and nothing like being “sick” and looking it. Dang, whoever thought hair or lack of it could cause so much turmoil? Since my hair is growing again, I just keep thinking if I keep it covered how is it going to grow free (like I’m a chia pet or something LOL bust my gut!) I know your hair grows from the roots, but I feel like I have to let what little hair that I do have, have air and sun.
Boy do I feel kind of goofy right now… but I also am so glad to have hair again!
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: giddy, goofy, hair after chemo, lack of self-confidence, nervous, self-conscious
Fortitude: mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously (from dictionary.com).
I think this is what all women who face cancer have, is fortitude! How else would you keep your marbles in tact?
Once when I was 15, I had my palms read 
and the reader said the word for my life and my future is Fortitude. At 15 I had no idea what that was, so I had to look the word up. When I saw the meaning, I was like “dang, how’d she know?” I came from a rough childhood… Time and time again, this word applied to my life, and no time like the present, have I ever felt this word so profoundly…
Who knows what would of happened if she said my word for life would be “jolly,” hmmmm, I wonder what would of happened then?
p.s. My word if I was to choose right now would be “fatigue” can we talk?
p.s.s. I wonder what the woman in the picture above had to overcome? Besides being a woman in that era?
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: facing cancer courageously, fatigue, hope, strength
Ding dong, I am so tired. This has been the longest week ever! I keep thinking that I should be bouncing back any day know and be my spunky ol’ self. I know it takes awhile to bounce back, but my heart isn’t listening to my head, and I want to be me nowwwwww.
I can make it to work just fine, but that is about it, it is kind of a drag. I know I should embrace the fact that my body (due to all those dang drugs!) is making me slow down, but you know what? I’d rather slow down my way and when I want to!
Herceptin this time isn’t bothering my muscles so bad this time around, and I’m so glad. The last Herceptin treatment hurt my muscles and made it hard to get around. Did you know that Herceptin can also cause fatigue? (See side effects at Herceptin.com.) Dang, as if I needed any help in that department!
Yesterday was my son’s graduation, so I went to work, his graduation, and took him and his friends to dinner. Afterwards I thought I’d stop and get a book by one of my favorite authors (Harold Kushner, highly recommend! Especially his book “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”.); I sat down in a soft chair at the bookstore to read a little bit from two of his books to help decide which one to get. Any whos, I fell asleep! Ding, Dong! I only fell asleep for about 20 minutes but I was so dang embarassed when I woke up, I hope I wasn’t snoring!
Jiminy, cancer is an exercise in patience… and going the extra mile!
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: fatigue, herceptin, patience, side effects
It has been one thing to read all these cancer materials and another to experience it first hand. I did not read all the materials on the side effects, or the statistics on survival rates because I did not want anything to affect how I was going to feel or think. Plus it was a lot of materials and I was too stressed to read everything about something I wish I didn’t have
So as I would “feel” something, I would ask questions and research as I went along, I figured by not knowing everything beforehand, I would not set myself up for failure by thinking “negative” thoughts that were caused by some of the things I would of read about, especially some of those statistics, they made me sad, and sometimes scared.
I also didn’t read all the medical information because I was more interested in people’s stories instead of the clinical information, I always want to know the feelings, the person’s story, more than I wanted to know about the treatments and the clinical explanation about what is going to happen. We all know chemotherapy and radiation is not a walk in the park, but what is that walk like?
To me, the story is more important, I want to know the feelings, know the real story, and that is what helps me adapt, persevere and overcome. So although I hated having to deal with cancer and its treatments, the people I’ve been meeting and the stories I have been hearing have been just amazing!
Chemotherapy gave me a good kick in the butt and I did not like not being able to do what I wanted when I wanted, but I am use to flying by the seat of my pants and that is exactly what I did on this journey. And that is A-OK, for we all have to do what we can when dancing with cancer.
We need to conquer this disease before it conquers us. I know I will speak out, I will be a voice and I will do it with heart; sometimes I may get shaky, but I will continue to be a voice for cancer care and for cancer survivorship issues, and I will continue to look and listen for the story.
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: cancer, feelings, hope, stories
“I have not finished reading [your story], I am so touched, this is what I am thinking of you.”
Silent Night
In the dark of night
there was this light
the night was black
the sound was silent
but the radiant light
out did the night
It moved quietly
on its purposed course
By Char G.
————————————-
It always seems like the darkest before the dawn don’t it? The above poem by friend Char, she made me cry, I was so touched by her words.
My instructor whose class I was failing has been kind to work with me, and my college is going to allow me to finish the class this summer instead of failing.
These gestures overwhelm my heart, I do not know how else to explain it, I am so touched by the goodness, the willingness to help, and kindness of my friends, my instructors, and the people I have met on this journey. There just isn’t any words to say how I feel.
Thank you to all of you for keeping the light in me alive, and for renewing my strength.
It is another day, and the journey continues…
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: cancer, friends, hope, support
Everyone is affected by chemotherapy and radiation differently, this goes without saying, but I’m saying it again. Why? Because one of the things I truly wish I KNEW and UNDERSTOOD was how these treatments were going to affect MY MENTAL ABILITIES.
I thought I could keep up with full-time work and 3 classes, NOT! Once again, I had to withdraw from 1 class a month ago, failed another class today, and have been keeping my head afloat in the other.
I knew at some level that I was having problems with thinking, but I kept thinking I could pull my way through this, I can do it, I ALWAYS do! Little did I know, that my “super powers” couldn’t save me now, I needed to admit I couldn’t keep up, I needed to realize that the exhaustion and not being able to focus was something I had NO CONTROL over, and trying to do my classes like nothing was wrong, was WRONG for me to do.
I needed to accept that I HAD LIMITS and there was something wrong with my thinking, my ability to focus, and that it was ok to slow down. It was OK to SAY I CAN’T DO IT…
I needed to make peace with these limits, ACCEPT THAT I HAD LIMITS BECAUSE OF CANCER, INSTEAD OF TRYING TO ACT LIKE I WAS STILL THE SAME, and push myself until I failed…
Lesson learned, and a hard one at that!
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: cancer, chemo-brain, cognitive dysfunction, fail, limits, loss of control, mental health, stress
Happy Mother’s Day to all of us “Super Moms” may this year be one of strength and wellness.
Super Moms by Me
Cancer Struck Fear to My Heart
What about My Children
No this cannot be Happening
What sent me into fear
Also brought me back
My Children
Your belief in me,
Your love for me,
You strengthened my Hope
You made me Conquer this Fear
It is you, who made me a “Super Mom”
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: moms living with cancer, mothers day wishes
