Entries from June 2008
9th Herceptin down and 5 to go…
My heart was alright and I was able to do my Herceptin treatment on Thursday, just 2 days late. I am glad I was able to continue. I still have to go in next week and do a heart stress test (treadmill), just to make sure, and then we can rule out heart disease, and see if we can find out what is really wrong.
I think it is because there has been so much pain in my life in the last 9, 10 months dealing with cancer, that the pain is trying to find its way out of my body right now and unfortunately my big heart is how the pain has decided to discharge itself.
My heart pains stressed me a bit, but what was MOSTLY stressing me out, was going to another doctor, having an EKG, then going back to my Oncologist, then being called again by the internal medicine doctor to come back, blah, blah, blah. I is tired of doctors, and I just want to be done now because I am ready to move on, get well, regain my energy, and not see another doctor unless it is for check up, yup, yup, that’s what would make my heart happy!
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: EKG, heart stress, herceptin
Today was suppose to be Herceptin #9 treatment, but it was postponed temporarily…
I am of two minds about wanting to be done with my treatments now and wanting to finish all 14 Herceptin treatments. Since I am Her2neu+ grade 3, I want to make sure that I have done everything possible to wipe out any possibility of the breast cancer reoccurring, but at the same time, I would not miss going to Oncology every 3 weeks as a patient, and I would absolutely love having my metaport taken out. My port creeps me out.
I couldn’t have my treatment today because in the last 4-5 weeks I have been having chest pains off and on, the most recent was last night. So I told Dr. M about it this morning and he decided to have my heart checked out before continuing my Herceptin treatments. I am hoping the chest pains are just stress and/or because I have put on so much weight doing steroids with chemotherapy that my poor heart is probably just working too hard. The pain has been intense enough to make me nauseous and one time I kind of passed out, but who knows, I could of passed out because of the fatigue since I was so ding dong tired a few weeks ago.
I absolutely refuse to live in the land of what if, and that is what bugs me the most about cancer and its treatments, you just never know what is caused by what and you start thinking what if it is this or what if it is that, blah. The cancer treatments made me so out of touch with my body that I just don’t know what to think of all the different aches and pains that come my way. Is it real? Is it the treatments? Is it chemo-pause? Is it ”old age” stuff? Is it something I should be concerned about? Or good grief, is it depression and I just don’t realize it? I just don’t know what to think half the time.
I am betting it is stress, not heart disease, and it certainly can’t be the Herceptin, it couldn’t be, I’m too young for Herceptin to bother my heart, and my echo results from a few weeks ago came back pretty good (when you are on Herceptin, you have to get an echocardiogram done to make sure your heart is doing ok because Herceptin sometimes does not play nice-nice with it, but this usually happens in post-menopausal, older women, not premenopausal women who are chemo-induced menopause).
I had chest x-rays today, and I go in for heart stress tests Thursday morning. I’m not scared, nor am I too worried, it is just another one of those things that you have to be aware of, and another one of those things you have to think about when going through cancer… Jiminy, cancer sure makes you think a lot…
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments · surviving cancer
Tagged: chest pains, herceptin, surviving cancer, Surviving Cancer Treatments, thoughtful
I woke up feeling like I’m a 100 years old again, jiminy. I cannot wait until I am well, this waking up in such a run down body is for the birds. It makes me kind of crabby.
Before cancer treatments I only woke up crabby if I self-inflicted wounds upon myself from having too much fun on a Saturday night; now I never know when I’ll wake up crabby, it kind of bites. Part of this I know is from that dang inflicted chemo-pause. You’d think dealing with cancer is a pain in the who-who enough without having to be shoved into chemo-pause and have your emotions run on the crabby side. Whine whine and more whine 
I slept a lot again this weekend and I’m trying to say this is ok, but it kind of bugs me. I work all week and then by time the weekend comes around all I can do is sleep. Ding dong work takes all my energy. Oh well what can I do, I have to work, not working is not an option when you are a single mom… ok, ok, that was a little whine When I wake up feeling a hundred years old on Mondays, I am a little whiny.
Mondays should be outlawed.
Categories: Recovery
Tagged: chemo-pause crabbiness, slow recovery, tired, whiny, work
“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.” ~ Og Mandino
Here we are in a world full of light, and a day that is celebrated by many. How can you not help celebrate a time of the year that seems to represent life? Just to sit and feel the sun upon your face, with your eyes closed, is one of the best feelings in the world; it makes everything seem alllllllright. I love summer, yes I do, for I am a fair-weather friend 
This time of the year is my favoritest, I am usually so incredibly happy. I love to play frisbee, fish, camp, or walk and take pictures of all the greens, flowers, sunsets, and sunrises. Yes, this time of the year brings me great peace.
However, with cancer 
it sometimes makes it hard to do anything that I love to do, all I can do some days is sit and enjoy the sun, and remember… Remember the peace, the joy… and feel it in my heart, and for now, that is A-OK.
There are still days when I have my moments, and can throw a tantrum with the best of them and just because I count my blessings today, doesn’t mean I won’t have days where I will complain about cancer. To not complain when dancing with cancer is to drive yourself to the funny farm if you know what I mean
I am grateful that I am here today, I am grateful that it is summer and that I have no complaints today. I am grateful that there is life after chemotherapy, and I am looking forward to the day when I am done with Herceptin and have my reconstruction surgery, yup, yup, I am looking forward to being balanced in more ways than one
Cancer has taught me to balance living with heaven and hell, happiness and anger, and sorrow and grief, but today I do not feel sad so I have nothing to say about sorrow in this post that is my tribute to summer as a woman who dances with cancer…
Categories: Recovery · Surviving Cancer Treatments · surviving cancer
Tagged: dealing with cancer, healing emotions, hope, joy, overcoming breast cancer, recovering from chemo
I was like regular folk today and what a great day it was! Our sister organization had their annual BBQ today and I am the cook – 3rd year in a row. I grilled up over 120 pounds of hamburger, 20 pounds of hotdogs and easily about 40 pounds of salmon!
Woo-Woo! It was so great to be alive and having fun!!
Not many people at this BBQ know about my dance with cancer, and it was great to flip, fry, burn and GRIN from ear to ear!! And not think once about you know what! Woo-Woo! Woo-Woo!
I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to cook again this year because I’ve been so dang tired and weak, but I told myself the *ell with it! I’m going for it and no one better get in my way! LOL
I was also touched by one of my coworkers who does know what I am going through and she was so concerned when I tried to lift a bag of charcoal, I was touched, and kept on grinnin! If my coworkers only knew how it was taking everything I had to do this, and how grateful I was to the powers that be, and how proud I was of me, that I was even able to do this!! If they only knew what a big deal this was for me…
IT WAS SO FRIGGIN’ GREAT! JUST TO DO SOMETHING LIKE I USE TO!! WOO-WOO!
And now I is pooped… and ache…. but what a way to go! 
Categories: Recovery
Tagged: grillin and chillin, having fun while dancing with cancer, overcoming cancer, pooped
I am positive I have made progress, right? More like I’m positive I’m one tired puppy!
I looked back at a post that I made January 15th (Its Alive) so that I can compare how I was then to now, and ding dong, 6 months later I am still struggling with napping!
I came home from work just tired, and fell asleep in my chair; I guess I can say at least I’m consistent?! LOL
To help me not feel so bad about napping AGAIN, when I woke up tonight I did the dishes and vacuumed (at 9 pm thank you very much). This helped my mental health and made me not feel so bad about being a tater tot.
6 months ago the napping was caused by chemo, now the napping is caused by healing (and the AFTERMATH of treatments) and it just seems wrong. I guess the problem I have with napping now as opposed to 6 months ago, I had a ”tangible” “visible” reason that everyone saw (including myself), to be so tired: chemotherapy. I know, I know. I’m still in cancer treatments, and shouldn’t be hard on myself, but this whole business of being tired is crazy…
Well at least I get up HAHAHAHA I know, sick… but I can’t help myself
Categories: Recovery
Tagged: aftermath, cancer treatments, fatigue, Recovery
I have come to the realization this morning (dang reality!) that I have been in the land of wishes. Now at first I was beating myself up about it until I remembered that wishing was a good feeling when you were a kid
”Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might…” 
‘member? 
Wishes helped you believe in magic, helped you believe in tomorrow, and it didn’t matter if my wishes were goofy or not, they helped me smile
Cancer has a way of making you not smile, cancer has a way of making you overanalyze everything, and if you naturally do this in the first place (as I do), it can hurt your head constantly thinking and thinking and rethinking all of your ailments, and your what ifs…
Cancer has a way of making you angry with making wishes… and it is enough to drive you nuts!! But I will not let it win today!! No I won’t!
What do I wish for today? I wish to just be. No worries, no woes… How will I do this today? I will play with my beads, yes I will. I will watch a movie, have popcorn, and laugh that I have too much butter on my popcorn, yes I will! Yum-yum!
Now if my head will just cooperate and turn off for awhile… Holy Moly! What an exhausting ride this is I say!
Categories: Recovery · surviving cancer
Tagged: dealing with cancer, emotional rollercoaster, hope, love yourself, play, wishes
I have so much to say and my brain makes me forget the words… There is so much I want to say about the cancer.
Cancer, The Big C, the C stands for chronic disease, and when one has chronic disease you have to learn to manage it, right? Yes you do, yes you do. You have to realize it is here today and will be here tomorrow…
I am not negative about it, I just wish there was recess from the Big C, it is weary trying to deal with it day after day, it’d be nice to escape for a bit and put it behind you, it’d be nice to wake up and realize you didn’t have no doctor on the brain, no cancer and no worries…
*Sigh* I’m kind of melancholic, I am ready for a change, a change of pace; I just want to do something different, and I just don’t know what that will be. In the old days I may have gone out and had one too many stiff ones to forget my woes, and woke up the next day going oh well, que se ra, que se ouch, but that doesn’t appeal to me, not after spending all winter numbed out already.
What can I say? Cancer changes you and right now I am in the shadow of my former self as I try to figure out how to manage this new me who lives with cancer…
Hmmm, what is a Laura to do, what ever is a Laura to do
Categories: surviving cancer
Tagged: anxious, break from cancer, melancholy, wanting change
This has been a stressful day it is hard some days to have stressful days at work while trying to deal with cancer and all of its baggage… sometimes this baggage makes it hard to deal with any more stress… Some days, I wish I had nothing to worry about…
Categories: Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: cancer, stress
Well my friends, sometimes I am a little slow to accept what I don’t have control over and yesterday I finally came to peace that my return to health is going to take some time.
I’m going to make wise use of the time that I can be high energy and the moment I feel my body saying, “helllo out therrrreee, I’ve had enough” I am going to listen. I’m going to accept that I cannot run like a mad woman as I use to, and that is A-OK.
I am just going to have to learn to do things differently and accept this new “normal” way of living for now. This doesn’t mean I give up, heck no!! I accept that this is just the way it goes right now, and I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other; some days it’ll be the two-step and others it just may be the slow shuffle but I will continue to ever go forward.
I have to realize and accept that I am still in cancer treatments and that recovery does not happen overnight… Sometimes I just need to be smacked upside the head with reality
Dang what a yo-yo ride… recovery is definitely an exercise in adapting, persevering and overcoming.
Categories: Recovery · Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: fatigue, hope, Recovery, surviving cancer
There is nothing peaceful about fighting to regain your health! It is a struggle to get a peace of mind and reconnect your body, breast, mind, and emotions together!
The cancer treatments take a toll on you and changes your life and you need to make peace with these forced changes, and it is such a battle!
The emotions, the fatigue, the *ell you have to deal with within your body, getting to reknow yourself, and adapt to your “new” look, it almost is overwhelming.
This pisser my friends is after treatments, you do not bounce back right away, and you have to adjust to this slow but necessary healing process…
I am now on the journey to learning to be gentle with my recovery… and I’ll tell you what, it ain’t easy…
Categories: Recovery
Tagged: cancer, emotions, hope, peace, Recovery
I finished my 8th Herceptin today and only 6 to go! Ding dong what a haul my friends!
All these cancer treatments have made time fly by too fast – this could be good because the faster it goes the sooner I shall be done :D But what’s not good as far as I’m concerned, is the time is flying too fast!
I was 47 when diagnosed and by time I’m done with Herceptin, it’ll be about 2-3 weeks before my 49th birthday; it seems like cancer takes your time and turbo charges it! Dang! The other thing I noticed, it sure ages a gal… Notice the Cruella Deville thing I got going on with with my hair?
Today I actually woke up feeling like I’m coming back to the land of the living, it is about friggin’ time!! Jiminy I felt like I was about 100 years old for the last week a half, now today I woke up and only felt about 60
Herceptin isn’t so bad, but I noticed again by this afternoon my muscles were tender vittles… sure makes me waddle more than usual HAHAHAHAHAHA
Holy Moly, cancer is an exercise in aging… and none too gracefully!
Categories: Chemo · Surviving Cancer Treatments
Tagged: Chemo, herceptin, tender muscles
