Laura's Journey. . .

Entries from October 2008

First Steps to Beyond Beyond

October 30, 2008 · 5 Comments

I love talking to other women about their experience with cancer and their treatments, even though some of the feelings are the same, the stories are so unique, so heartfelt…

What is so amazing with cancer, is even after the treatments, it is not over, at least not right away…  You still feel tired, you have bouts of sadness, of doubt, you wonder about your sanity sometimes too…  Your world is so altered by this experience of cancer, you wonder after you’re done with your treatments, what now? What’s next?  Why can’t I seem to shake off some of these feelings I still have?

I have been writing about this since I have ended my own treatments, and the more I talk to other women, some of them feel the same way, it’s like we go on one more wild emotional rollercoaster ride at the end of our treatments.  Some of this is the drugs, if you research some of the stuff you’ve been pumped with in a year of treatments, it is amazing you have any marbles left at all.  Some of it is because the hormones get messed up, especially if you were forced into chemopause, some of it is our feelings, and we must honor our tears, our emotions, and know that we are ok, as we charter a new “normal” for ourselves, a new direction with our lives… and dang that’s scary…

Me, I’ve taken a new direction with my career, and my education (yes, I’m back in college, and it is great to use my poor addled brain again!).  I also have made some wonderful new friends like Jenn, Sharon, Lisa, Teresa, Kim, BJ, Deb, Muff, Gina, and Millie.  All wonderful, strong, and funny people who are all doing their best to make the world a better place to live!

It is back to putting one foot in front of the other as we go beyond cancer…

p.s. I’m loosing some of my hair :( I was told it is a possibility that some women may loose some of their hair 6 months or more out from treatments, and wouldn’t you know it :( I have a spot that is the size of a silver dollar, and more fell out in this morning’s shower.  I know it is temporary and will grow back, but jiminy crickets!  Enough is enough already.

Categories: Beyond Cancer · Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Recovery
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Alone No More

October 24, 2008 · 6 Comments

“The I in illness is isolation, and the crucial letters in wellness are we.” ~ Author unknown

Ladies and Gents,

This has been my week for listening to other survivors – before I continue this story, does anyone have a better word than survivors?  I don’t know what it is about that word, but to me it seems limiting or something, please don’t say “thrivers” either, blah.  Any suggestions?

Anyhoos, this week I was able to hear the stories of other remarkable women, and I am continually amazed and blessed by knowing women who have made it through cancer and then go on to help someone else…

I am so fortunate to know this one group of women that I go and see when I feel like I’m being stretched thin; where I can go and be understood without explaining myself and not be told that a positive attitude is everything!!

I go to a “beyond cancer” (my words) Group, sounds better than support, I also have problems with the word support – it is funny how cancer made me have issues with certain words, like support, survivor, thriver, positive-thinking, pink… blah, blah, blah… I’m easily distracted this evening LOL :)  Must be from walking around in a fog that is making me go down the rabbit hole every other word ;)

Anyhoos again!  This group is Women Listen (link under Blogroll), they have lost 3 members in the last month, but they continue to come together and keep on keepin’ on, and it does my heart good to go and be with everyone.  I have not been able to go very much in the last two months, but I made it a priority today, and I’m so glad I did.  Everyone needs a Women Listen group, so that they do not have to do cancer alone, no one should have to do cancer alone, it just ain’t right…

I know not everyone is into groups, but you know what I think?  I think it is good to go where everyone KNOWS what you have gone through even if you only go for a little while.  You need to keep looking for a group that feels good for you.  You be surprised how grounded you can be after getting together with a bunch of strong, caring, funny women.

I found Women Listen by persistence and asking folks are there any groups that were a little off the wall ;) and laughed a lot – I wasn’t doing good in the groups that were on the heavy side, so when I found Women Listen, it was like wow!  Finally!  Some place where I can let it all hang out ;) and be as goofy as I want!

I don’t go all the time, I go when I need to be recharged, and be given strength for the kind of work that I do, it is so comforting to know, that I have some place that I belong – granted the membership requirements kind of sucked ;) but it is great to belong :)

Peace.

p.s. Saturday morning update:  I feel like I’m getting sick again, ding dong it.  I’ve been in meetings all week with a lot of people, granted it is the cold and flu season, but when in the heck am I going to stop getting every little bug that comes down the pike?  This is my second cold this month, jiminy crickets!

Categories: Beyond Cancer
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Mirror, Mirror

October 20, 2008 · 3 Comments

Who is this woman in my mirror?
She must live there permanently
As every time I look, she is there.

Her eyes are familiar; deep deep brown,
Same style hair as mine, short and straight.
But there is something different, very different
Ah, the color is gray, my hair is auburn.

The smile resembles mine, but not quite the same.
Her teeth are perfect and seem all there.
Her laugh lines appear very deep,
My smile is just the opposite from hers.

I look at the wrinkles on her face,
Her complexion dull, her skin looks old.
My face is as smooth as a wee baby,
My complexion is young, showing no age.

I keep going back to the strangers eyes.
The woman in my mirror.

Her eyes look so tired and lack luster.
My eyes are shining and full of energy.

So tell me please if you will,
Who is this woman in my mirror?
Tell me please what did that woman
in the mirror do with me?
   ~ Tina Milner

——————–

*Ouch* When I first read this, I sort of cringed.  I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day, really looking at myself…  I had read that to learn to love yourself, which I’m trying to do again after this last year of cancer treatments, that you look in the mirror at yourself with love.  I thought, that is odd as a cod advice, but decided what the hey I’ll give it a try.

Because of the way I have looked this last winter, I have not really looked at myself, I just look at my eyes as I put on my makeup, look at my teeth when I’m brushing them, look at my hair when I’m fixing it, you get it, I look at parts of me, and not the whole.

Looking at myself, really looking at me was not as easy of an exercise as I thought.  I was surprised by the lady looking back at me…  I’m glad the effects of cancer treatment are not permanent, because I don’t know if I like that sad lady looking back at me…

Categories: Beyond Cancer · Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Surviving Cancer Treatments · surviving cancer
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Gentle Reminder

October 17, 2008 · 6 Comments

 

We’re all worth it :)   Hugs!  Have a great weekend!

p.s.  I am making peace with the color pink – you can’t go wrong with any kind of pink flowers, but please, please, don’t think I like pink because of  breast cancer.  I use to love the color pink, then I got cancer, and I ended up hating it.  Everybody gave me pink pens, pins, water bottles, bags, you get it, I was being pinked to death! :D   Pink flowers are beautiful and you cannot go wrong with flowers, give someone flowers instead :)   They are a great affirmation of life and beauty.

Pink once again, is becoming just another fun color in my corner of the world.

Categories: Beyond Cancer · Cancer Treatment Aftermath
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October 15, 2007 to October 14, 2008

October 15, 2008 · 2 Comments

It is hard to believe, that one year ago I had my mediport put in, ONE YEAR.

One year of extreme highs and lows…

One year of many hellos and goodbyes…

One year of many changes, most unwelcomed…

Jiminy crickets?  I know I have said this before, but where did the time go?

October 14, 2008, mediport removed, ONE YEAR… holy moly, what a year…

Categories: Beyond Cancer · Recovery · Surviving Cancer Treatments · surviving cancer
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Confused

October 13, 2008 · 6 Comments

This seems to be my favorite state of mind right now :(   I’m confused about what I am doing, what to do next…

Some of this is natural I know, but it seems like after living the last year on The Edge, it is difficult to make a sound judgment without second-guessing myself all the time :(

The confusion causes some anxiety. I wonder if this is just a natural state of affairs after living with it for the last year?  Has it become a bad habit I need to break?  I’m so confused…

Categories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Recovery
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Need for Peace

October 6, 2008 · 4 Comments

I think it would be nice to get away, get away from the “scene of the crime” so to speak.  It seems as I get closer to ending this chapter on cancer treatments, that I need to go away and reflect.  Think about what has happened this last year, and how it has affected me…  I’d like to get away because staying right where I am, I’m not going to get the peace and quiet I need to just be…

I think anyone after they get done with cancer treatments should get away and go on a “retreat”, to reflect and give their soul a moment to catch up with them.  To find the answers to bring peace after going through *ell.

I sure am feeling the need to get away and may have to figure out how to get away, even if it is only for a night or two…  I feel like I need to have some ceremony or something to let it go before I go on…

Categories: Beyond Cancer · Recovery
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I hab a cold

October 5, 2008 · 1 Comment

And you know what is so friggin great?  Its just a cold!  Not sick from chemo, compromised immune system, herceptin or any other of the friggin stuff I was pumped with for the last year!  It is just a plain old, hanging around too many “snotty” :D people cold!! LOL  Whoever would of thunk, I would be glad to have a cold?  :D

Will write when my head is better!

Categories: Beyond Cancer · Recovery
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Wondering and wondering

October 2, 2008 · 2 Comments

When will I be “normal” again?

When will my finger dexterity return?

When will I stop having anxiety attacks?

When will my brain be back?

HAHAHAHAHAHA

If I Only had a Brain, Again

If I Only Had a Brain... Again

:D   It isn’t all gloom and doom, it rarely has been, but there has been moments, man has there been moments…  NOW, it seems, I have to have a little more patience to get back my energy, my dexterity, my patience, and most importantly my brain.  I think out of everything I’ve lost during treatments, I miss my brain the most :D

Chemobrain makes me have to think wayyyyy tooo hard, but mostly what I can’t stand is how forgetful I am, and it is just not the kind of forgetfulness that you experience by walking into a room and wondering why you were there, it is also the kind of forgetfulness of things you use to know and now you don’t remember, that’s whats so maddening about chemobrain for me.

I was at beading tonight and I just couldn’t seem to remember any of the stitches I was trying to do, and my brain wasn’t talking to my fingers, it was almost embarassing, almost.  I ended up going, “what the *ell”, and ended up sitting there trying to bead, but mostly just enjoyed the company and chatted :D

I wonder if one day I’ll just wake up and chemobrain be gone?

p.s.  When I said “what the *ell” my friend sitting next to me, who knows I don’t care to swear, said “Laura you just swore” and I said “what?”  She said, you just said “what the *ell.”  I was like “OH, I didn’t THINK THAT? or say OH H-E-DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS?”  We cracked up because I didn’t even realize my thought came out my mouth! and that I still say h-e-double toothpicks!  Jiminy, can we just add senility to the mix? ;)

Categories: Cancer Treatment Aftermath · Recovery
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